I tried earlier in the week to process my chaotic thoughts with Tom. We're ordinarily good communicators, but this time our wires weren't crossing.
"So you want to make a baby?" he kept asking.
"No, actually," I said several times. "I very strongly don't want to make another baby right now."
"Then let's keep with the plan to start trying when Peter is two. February."
"That's when I'd like to get pregnant, but I'm wondering if we should be more open to letting nature take it's course. I don't really even think I'm fertile anyway."
"Yeah, but if you did get pregnant right now," Tom would say, "we'd be moving a year from now with a two-year-old and an infant. Peter is enough to keep up with as it is. Can you imagine trying to sell the condo, buy a new house, and make the move if you're in the middle of having a baby?"
I'd reply, "I know. I don't want to do that. That's why I wouldn't want to get pregnant until February."
"Okay, so let's stick with February."
"But I'm not sure that's the right thing," I'd say. "In fact, if you gave me the choice between having a baby sooner than planned or later than planned, I'd pick sooner every time."
"So you want to make a baby?" he'd ask, and we'd go through this same circular conversation again. I think we recited this dialogue four or five times.
I don't blame Tom for his confusion. How do you carry on a conversation with someone who keeps changing her position? What I didn't do was explain to him why I'm questioning birth control (of any sort) in the first place.
I'm not even sure myself.
I'm certainly not well-read on the issue. Oh, I know there's controversy over how the Pill works, but I haven't pursued it since I never found a type that didn't make me fat, moody, or nauseas. Plus, I've grown wary of messing with my body through artificial means. So that's out. Why not just use a barrier method? Or natural family planning? Possibly.
But how did my questioning even begin? I'll save that for tomorrow.