Excerpt from My Personal Journal

All of the TRYING TO CONCEIVE entries come from the journal I used to keep on Babycenter. Here's an entry from my personal, my-eyes-only journal dated

May 9, 2005

Yesterday, Mother's Day, questioning my ovulation after a borderline ambiguous temp, knowing that DH and I may not BD that day due to his crazy work schedule, I began to feel stressed. REALLY stressed.

I sat down in my favorite chair by the biggest window, trying to relax. I felt the need to pray, so I did. I wanted to read from the Bible, but I couldn't think of what part. Nothing was drawing me. So I did something that I've heard other people do, something I am usually "too sophisticated" to do myself (ha!):

I closed the book, and I closed my eyes. I asked God to guide me, then ran my finger along the side of the book where the pages are. I randomly opened the book. Still with my eyes closed, I ran my finger down the page. When I opened my eyes, I was pointing directly at the start of Psalm 113. So I started reading the short psalm, and it didn't take long to get to the last line: "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord."

Oh! My eyes filled with tears. I felt the presence of God so strongly. I felt heard, listened to, and spoken to. Of all the pages, of all the thousands of verses, I ended up there. While I'd like to believe that this is a promise or confirmation for my current cycle, I'm not so sure. Thirteen years passed between God's promise to Abraham and the birth of Isaac. Ugh-- don't want to think about that! And there are many ways to become a mother, aside from getting pg... BUT, what did bring me such comfort, was to know that God really has heard my cries and pleas. I'm not praying into thin air, as I have sometimes felt. He has acknowledged my desire. Tom and I are not alone in this. I will become a mother in the way and the timing that God knows is right. He will sustain me until that day comes.