Letting Go (Wk 5: TRYING TO CONCEIVE)

April 6, 2005

Instead of taking my usual slew of fertility vitamins this morning, I took a Flintstone's. I just had to. It felt good. It reminded me of a time when I was a child, not an adult trying (unsuccessfully) to make one.

Turns out all my beautiful high temps this past weekend had more to do with jetlag than ovulation. Yesterday, I tried not to let a low temp discourage me. Implantation dip, right?... right?...

Nope.

I began this morning, like so many other mornings lately, in tears. Wishing I'd never taken birth control pills. Wishing we'd started trying earlier. Wishing that Aunt Flo would just come on already, to at least start a fresh new cycle.

What's a Girl to do?

My now-pregnant friend Karen once visited the library to pick up some fertility books. As she checked out a book on how to get pregnant quickly and naturally, the librarian held up the book and said, "Have sex."

So here's what I'm going to do: for the first time in 218 mornings, I will not temp tomorrow. The alarm will go off, but instead of reaching for the thermometer, I'll hit the snooze button.

I've already packed away all trying-to-conceive paraphernalia into a dresser, removing temptation.

As this cycle goes on, will I wonder all the more whether I am pregnant? Possibly. Still, I cannot go on like this.

Am I quitting charting forever? Absolutely not! I'm sure I'll pick it back up next cycle, since it really does improve the odds of conception. But there comes a time when trying to conceive takes backseat to improving one's sanity.

After two false sets of high temps, a 34-day cycle with no ovulation in sight, and emotions in overdrive, it's time to catch my breath.

In the Meantime...

I will not think of babies! I will not think of babies. I will not think of babies?

Who am I kidding? But I can try.

Once upon a time, I really didn't think about them. Honestly, I thought about horses, fashion, art, books, God, strawberries... I enjoyed summer nights with the sun dragging its way to bed. I enjoyed drinks with the girls, venting about boyfriends, parents, and work.

Can I find my way back?