Here We Go Again (Wk 9: TRYING TO CONCEIVE)

May 3, 2005

I got my first thin pink line on Sunday.

Okay, okay. It was an evaporation line. On an ovulation predictor kit. But still, after so many blank pregnancy tests and, just recently, OPKs, I was thrilled to see the faint, barely visible hint of a mark next to the control line.

It showed me that a second line actually can appear. I had begun to wonder whether second lines weren't something that people made up, "like unicorns, leprechauns, and eskimos", as Homer Simpson puts it.

Mission Possible

So, yes, I've hopped on the OPK bandwagon. During my annual visit to Dr. Cold Speculum, we discussed my conception woes. He suggested adding these to my arsenal, with the tip that the Dollar Store brands work as well as the expensive grocery store ones.

Since I can't count on an egg every 28 days, least of all at the same time each month, I figure everything I can do to catch one when it does appear is a good investment. I can test every day for $30 a month.

Meanwhile, I'll keep in touch with the nether regions of my body, noting every indication of fertility.

That's the easy part.

The Hard Part

The hard part is what to do with my mind. As I watch and wait for ovulation, how do I control the inevitable baby thoughts?

I've become more realistic about things. That helps. Instead of fantasizing due dates nine months from now, I try to picture them a year from now or even later. I even think about how I'll spend the time between now and then!

Just yesterday my mind raced with all kinds of projects and new purposes. I felt almost manic as the ideas flowed. I blabbered incessantly to Tom about what I would do to end all the suffering of the world...

But last night, it hit me that whatever my plans, I wouldn't solve all the ills of the world. I started to feel a little depressed. As I stood at my dresser getting ready for bed, I even got a little teary.

At first I thought I was teary over my lack of ability to save the world. Then came the truth: I was teary for one reason alone: I want a baby, and I don't have one. No matter what I do over the next nine months, however noble my causes, whatever good I accomplish, the truth is that what I really want, above all else, is to be a mother.